What Kink Gets Right that Most Couples Get Wrong Here is a finding that consistently surprises clinicians when they first encounter it: the people who tend to have the best sex lives are people who practice kink and fetishes. The immediate reaction is usually something like, “What are we saying, kink is better?” No, that misses the actual finding. The research is not saying that kink itself produces good sex. It is saying something more useful and more transferable than that. In order to do kink safely (bondage, rope, asphyxiation, knife play, whatever you are talking about), a key component is required to make this a healthy experience. It’s not level of experience or if one pushes their limits, it’s simpler and more powerful. The level of clear communication and stated expectations required to engage kink well is through the roof. What do you desire? What actions do you want to perform? What is in bounds? What is out of bounds? What does a pause signal mean? What does stopping mean? What are each person’s limits today, knowing those limits might be different next time? The conversation has to happen before the sexual encounter. All of it stated explicitly, clearly, […]
Understanding Love: A Therapeutic Look at Sternberg’s Triangular Theory
Understanding Love: A Therapeutic Look at Sternberg’s Triangular Theory As a counselor, love is a topic that finds its way into many sessions—whether it’s the absence of it, the complexity of it, or the pain of watching it change. One of the most helpful models I’ve come across, both for understanding my own relationships and helping clients reflect on theirs, is Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love. This theory breaks love down into three fundamental components: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Each can exist independently, in pairs, or all together. The shape of a person’s “love triangle” helps us make sense of the type of love they’re experiencing—or craving. The Three Pillars of Love Intimacy is the emotional bond between people—the sense of closeness, connection, and trust that allows someone to feel seen and safe. It’s the long talk after a hard day, the way someone remembers your coffee order, or the comfort of sitting in silence with a friend who gets you. Often in session, clients confuse intimacy with sexual closeness, but this part of the triangle is about emotional vulnerability and friendship. It’s what makes someone feel known. Passion is the spark—physical attraction, infatuation, sexual energy. It’s what fuels […]