Good Friday.  This day seems adequate to begin writing once again.  Recently life has crept up upon me, bogging me down.  This weight was welcomed by dread at the start, but now I am beginning to see its beauty.  I have heard it said we much keep our eyes focused towards the future, keeping our mind pointed in the right direction.  Truth lies in this statement.  Yet it stands incomplete.

The future rests, waiting for what it may receive to make with it what it wills.  The pieces it receives is depended on many aspects.  The best way to understand the future is to understand the past.  Neglecting to grasp events of the past is neglecting the pieces to the puzzle.  Years were spend in ignorance of this fact.  Willpower and determination are adequate to conquer what may come.  I was ignorant.

Breaking through the careful crafted walls, meticulously made to keep past pains from emerging, this is difficult.  For years my goal revolved around keeping my past, many issues and problem, away from the present.  I mastered the art.  No matter how crafty I imaged myself, the past continued to creep into my life.  At one point, I began to loose control.  For the first time in my life, I did not know if I possessed the strength to hold myself together.  I was terrified.  What would people think if I broke down in class, at dinner, a concert?  How would they see me?  A wise man told me some powerful words.  I would appear human.

The past is the past.  It cannot be changed or manipulated.  It can be neglected, ignored, but will never be inconsequential.  I have started a new journey.  This journey does not include a sound mind or a strong willpower.  The power lies in the unknown, accepting my ignorance and weakness.  I hate it.  I loathe it.  The process involves stripping down every defense I built around myself for protect.  Brokenness, vulnerability, helplessness.  I find it intriguingly ironic true power lies in weakness.  My prayer has shifted.  No longer do I pray for strength in keeping it together; I pray for strength in allowing myself to fall apart.